Thursday 20 May 2010

"Bringing home the stars" mass-market limited edition.

You may remember this book as reaching #2 in the all-time horror chart on Authonomy in 2009. Garnering rave reviews from all who read it, a mass market edition is being produced in a limited edition to be released on 2/10/2010 available through all good book shops, and probably a few bad ones too.

The ISBN is now live, and preorders can be made through sites such as Amazon (below) and others.

'Bringing home the stars'



’Bringing home the stars’ is the updating of the classic 'haunted house' formula set in deep space. It uses the setting to provide the opportunity for the maximum amount of suspense and tension through the unusual isolation that being marooned in deep space can offer.



Dezza, a gritty salvager aboard a deep space tug, along with Tubs and Zoë, find a derelict Starliner – the ’Cerberus’ - in uncharted space after their tug’s drive core fails unexpectedly. Onboard the Starliner, a creature able to shift from energy to mass kills Tubs. Dezza and Zoë escape, and the Starliner disappears as its engines reactivate. Back on Earth, mistakes he made aboard the ’Cerberus’ and the loss of Tubs haunt him. His reputation is ruined, he spirals downward labelled as a man who lost his crewmate to a space myth. Whilst he becomes a drunk, Zoë signs up with another crew and disappears back out into space trying to put the experience behind her.

Five years later a man called West from the military offers Dezza a chance for redemption. Return to the Starliner as an advisor for a military crew and stand a chance of regaining his reputation is his offer. Despite his fears and the fact that another salvage crew has disappeared searching for the Starliner, Dezza signs on after West explains that Zoë was one of the first crew who have disappeared aboard the ’Cerberus’.




Jennifer E. Kirk's writing will appeal to fans of David Conyers, David Moody and China Miéville as well as those looking for a classic update of the haunted house story genre reset in space for the 21st century literary thrillseekers.

1.

The salvage Tug shuddered. Sirens wailed penetrating the sleep induced by the stasis quo-fields. Zoë blinked, sluggish. The alarm meant only one thing; their passage within the Rösenbridge was lost and they were hurtling blindly through space.
Zoë was the first to clamber from her pod and stagger to the bridge. She reached a console and keyed in her codes. For a moment the screen remained blank, then text and telemetry scrolled across.
She sensed movement beside her in the gloom.
“What's up?” Dezza asked in a calm twang that never betrayed emotion.
“Core collapse,” she said, jabbing at buttons. “It’s jumped us out of the Rösenbridge short again.”
“Shit. I thought Tubs swore blind he fixed that.”
“Obviously not well enough.”
He tapped away on the adjacent console activating the holographic display. In any Rösenbridge mis-jump, they risked blundering into other ships, planets, stars and moons with fatal results. Space might be infinite and almost empty, but Fate had a habit of testing the reflexes of the unwary.
Static crackled and the computer updated the projected image of what lay outside the hull. An arc of grey became an arc of blue shimmering in the air. With agonising slowness the computer decided that there was nothing of immediate harm and the readouts stopped their garish flashing.
Zoë shook her head grimly and keyed off the alarms. “It’s only so long before Lady Luck stops seeing herself clear to keep us from hitting a star. That could have been close.”
“It’s always close. I’ll see what Tubs has to say for himself.”

* * * * *

Tubs lay on an inspection trolley, grappling with the underside of the console panel. Wires stretched out loose either side of him. He studiously ignored the mess to soldier on with careful laser-pen work inside the tangle of electronics.
Dezza leant on the railing, watching him with strained patience. “How long before the core is back online?”
“Just a few hours,” Tubs replied, muffled from beneath the panel, “I’m not sure why it croaked this time anyway. It should have held until we could get to dock and have it refurbed.”
Dezza held his composure. It was not the first time the tugship had dropped from the Rösenbridge short. For the last two months it had become an increasingly regular occurrence, and one which had become tedious fast. The ship’s drive core was old and frail. There were only so many times that ancient electronics could be patched back together. Tubs might be a miracle worker, but eventually even miracles disappoint.
Dezza’s communicator buzzed, and for a moment he felt relief that something would break the boredom of this unforeseen stop in deep space.
“Yes?”
Zoë’s business-like voice answered, sounding tinny through the old electronics. “Have you checked the scopes?”
He frowned. Something was not quite right.
“No,” he snapped.
“This one’s the longest yet. According to the navigation sweep, we’re not even at the further colonies. The damn core popped us out more than forty days short.”
“Forty days? Shit!”
He glared down at Tubs’ feet, but the mechanic was oblivious and the gentle buzz of the laser pen drifted from beyond the pair of wriggling legs.
“That’s not the only thing,” interrupted Zoë.
He heard the concern in her voice. Tubs’ work was forgotten and he listened hard.
“What?”
“The sweep picked up something else. About an hour’s jag away on the ion drive, we’ve got a ship floating dead.”
“Have you tried to get them on the Comm?” he asked.
“There’s no answer. You had both better come to the bridge. If that ship is what I think it is, this drop might just be the break we’re looking for.”
Infuriatingly she seemed intent to drop no clues.
“How do you mean?”
“It’s easier if you’re up here and I can show you.”
She let the communications channel click dead and nothing more except static came from the speaker. He knew Zoë had a habit for the dramatic. Well, let them humour her. With the main drive core out of commission, it was not as if time was at a premium, for now.
He flicked the device into a pocket and kicked gently at the legs beneath him. A muffled cry shot out from behind the wires.
“Leave that. Zoë wants us on the bridge.”
Tubs slid out on the trolley, grumbling. But his griping fell upon deaf ears. When Zoë got one of her ideas they both knew it was best to go along with her.
2.

The holographic projection shimmered in the hot air of the bridge; stinking of ozone. Dezza wrinkled his nose at the smell. It always filled him with a feeling of unease. Maybe it was because every time he stood here he knew Zoë was going to suggest something that he would feel obliged to argue with. He sighed, hating the conflict that usually came.
Zoë jabbed a finger at a small dot floating at the centre of the display. Ripples of static arched through the projection as the computer struggled to compensate for the untimely insertion of her hand into its image.
“This is what we’re looking at,” she said.
Dezza scrunched his eyes, trying to focus on what the projection was trying to show him. It was too small to make out and was lost into the hazy limits of the projection’s resolution. He was about to say something, to ask what it was they were meant to be looking at, when she tapped a few buttons on the console as if anticipating his struggles. The image suddenly grew exponentially in size.
He stepped back in surprise before remembering that it was only a hologram. It did not matter how many times it happened, he could never get used to this contraption.
The dot grew to the size of a large cylinder and sat suspended in the slight glowing field. He squinted; it was clearly some kind of vessel. He racked his mind, trying to think what it could be so far out from the shipping lanes. The shape suggested it had to be manmade, or else he would have said some kind of comet or asteroid chunk. But it was huge, and that kind of vessel always stayed in the tight shipping lanes on the shortest routes between destinations. Of course, it could always be something that had broken adrift from a tow maybe? But it was not likely.
“Bulker?” he ventured.
She shook her head.
“Not big enough. Some kind of Starliner I think.”
He glanced to the reams of data shimmering in the air alongside the main bulk of the projector. She was right: the thing was much longer and more slender than any Bulker could be. With no aerodynamics to constrain a ship’s design, their size and girth was always more a function of the cargo they had to carry.
“She isn’t going anywhere if she is,” he said at last, “Computer says it’s holding a stationary position. It can't be docked, we’re several light years out into deep nowhere.”
“I think it’s a derelict,” she said.
He was not so sure. A derelict might mean an easy salvage to tow it back to civilisation and a guaranteed ten-percent, but there had to be a reason for it. Out here so far from the shipping lanes, a funny feeling lingered at the back of his mind. Something was not quite right.
“What are you getting on the frequencies?” he asked calmly. If there were distress calls or beacons, that might help them identify the craft, and the reason for her being so far out into deep space.
She shrugged. “Nothing except for a simple docking channel on static.”
“Any response to attempts to raise them?”
“No,” said Tubs.
“This is going to be our big pay-day. We tow that hulk back to civilisation and that’s our pay for the year made in one.”
She seemed so sure of herself, Dezza thought. Always rushing in to the task.
Tubs coughed, and they both looked around.
“I hate to be the realist,” he began timidly, “But our drive core is offline. We aren’t going anywhere near civilisation until we get it fixed.”
“How long will that take?” asked Zoë.
Dezza got the feeling that there was going to be a catch.
He shrugged. “Two, maybe three days work. We need a full refit.”
“Will it let us tow that hulk?” she probed, as if realising the possibility of defeat after getting so close to success.
“It’ll tow,” he said after a moment’s pause, “But I would be happier not pushing it.”
“We can’t leave something this big just drifting!” she exclaimed with disappointment heavy in her voice.
Dezza frowned. Why did Tubs have to pick now to err on the side of caution?
“We could come back for it after getting the drive properly repaired,” he offered, trying to be diplomatic. He knew Zoë’s feelings and whilst he lacked her blind enthusiasm whatever the cost, he knew that Tubs was playing this stubbornly; something was making him look for excuses.
Zoë was not having any of it.
“At the very least, I want to move in closer and scope this baby out. We can do that on the ion drive until the core is back online.”
Tubs had to concede they could do that at the very least. It was clear though that he did not want to. Something was bothering him.

* * * * *

The ion drive fired, bringing gravity swathing through the tug as a change from the peculiar generated variety that never seemed quite right. It pressed the three of them back into the restraints of the bridge seats with a force that had been a while since its last coming.
Through the bridge screen the millions of stars began to slowly revolve as the Tug moved around onto a new course and edged towards the derelict.
Within an hour, one particular pinprick of light grew to be bigger than the rest that set the starscape behind it. They had looked at the long slender form of the Starliner on the computer projection, but now it hung before them for real. The many details lost on the scanner became visible to the naked eye in a way that a computer simulation always seemed to miss.
“Riding and navigation lights are still blinking,” said Zoë softly, “It seems they still have power.”
Dezza checked the read outs on the screen in front of him. On the gauges he looked for background radiation that would show evidence of reactor core activity. He was rewarded as the scan revealed a blip on the radiation spectrum that correlated with a fusion device.
“Our scan show that at least one of the fusion reactors is still online at a low output.”
Zoë looked up from her console, a frown on her face. “All lifepods are gone. Computer systems are either offline or seem to have looped into a system’s crash. Other than that, she seems structurally sound.”
Dezza paused as he considered this. Something still did not add up to him. “Why haven’t we heard about a Starliner being lost?”
He noted that Tubs showed signs of worry again, though he said nothing. Zoë did not seem to have noticed his expression.
“Maybe we’ve been out of the loop too long in the quo-field,” she offered, but seemed unconvinced.
Through the screen they watched the Starliner grow close. Riding lights blinked intermittently, and thousands of portholes glowed faintly. It certainly was beginning to seem strange that a ship this size could go adrift without something coming through to them. Maybe if no-one knew yet? But the shape of the ship seemed wrong, and raised more questions that were left unspoken.
The Tug began a flypast, cruising close at a rate of only a few metres per second. The bland metal side of the derelict passed by streaked dull with the dust of space. Occasionally a dulled and deformed mark showed where its navigation field had deflected meteorites.
“Still trying radio frequencies. No response,” said Zoë.
Moving upwards they passed along close to the upper decks. Here the monotonous steel wall gave way to clear shielded promenade decks and more complex superstructure. A forest of antennas stretched high into the starscape, twinkling as they cruised by in the dim reflections of running lights.
This was not right. The ship’s design was positively out of date. It looked like a museum piece, and none could ever recall having seen a ship like this in service on any port they had ever visited.
“Lifepod bays coming up. All appear empty. What happened?”
One after another, open bays loomed and slid by. Airlocks showed beyond the gloom, but the docking clamps were released and the lifepods were gone.
“Long-range scans show nothing – wherever they went it wasn’t local.”
“So there’s no-one left onboard?” asked Dezza.
“Nothing on the scans, but there’s a lot of dense structure in that thing that could be shielding stuff from us.”
He nodded. Could it have been a life support problem? But a nagging thought in his mind told him that could easily be repaired without having to abandon ship. A thought occurred to him, another explanation.
“Check for radiation leaks from the drive shielding.”
She checked her console. “Already swept. Nothing above normal background levels.”
“Hull integrity?”
“Still airtight.”
He frowned. What could have made them run away? From the corner of his eye he saw Tubs at his station. Despite the air conditioning of the cabin, sweat glistened on his face.
“What’s up, Tubs?” he asked.
Tubs looked startled. For a moment it looked like the man was about to break down. There was a look in his eyes of raw, untamed fear. It was a look Dezza could not recall ever seeing on the face of a hardened salvager.
“Hey! Easy now!” said Dezza, trying to calm the man.
“That ship. I know what it is,” said Tubs at last, “It’s a myth that has been doing the rounds of the bars and colonies for longer than I can remember. Like an old yarn, this is the Mary Celeste story they tell when the lights are low and the drinks have flowed. The story must go back at least eighty years.”
“You’re kidding, right?” said Zoë slowly, perhaps not wanting to believe that one of her crew could be so easily spooked.
Dezza looked out of the screen at the bulk of the Starliner. Eighty years? Come to think of it, its style did look somewhat dated. But it was still a tall tale. He too wanted to listen; to find out what could have driven Tubs to be this scared. They had salvaged many derelicts together as a crew before now. Some were beaten up to a pulp whilst others grimly still held crew who had not managed to escape explosive decompression. None had unsettled Tubs as much as this one had.
“She went missing. Just disappeared,” Tubs continued, never taking his eyes off the bulk of the derelict vessel, “Six months went by and they called off all searches. After two years, one of the lifepods was found out near the outer trajectories, floating in space. It was empty, but the log mentioned contact with something that was enough to make a man drop dead with fear.”
Dezza found himself scoffing at the man’s tale. Tubs had a penchant for over-reacting to silly stories, but this had to be one of his best yet. How could he let himself be wound up by mere bar stories?
“How come we never heard about it?” asked Zoë.
“Stories change over the centuries,” soothed Dezza, trying to be diplomatic, “The Mary Celeste story has been around before space travel was ever invented. Everyone likes a good yarn, but you see you never find anyone with actual first-hand experience of the events. It’s always a ‘friend of a friend’.”
Tubs looked past him to the bulk of the derelict easing past silently outside. Their words did not seem to have done much for him and his eyes still glittered with fear.
“Well?” Dezza asked.
“Cerberus.”
“What?” Zoë said. She seemed taken aback by Tubs’ unexpected reply.
“Cerberus,” he repeated, never taking his eyes off the screen. “If that ship is called Cerberus then we go. It’s the name of the ship in the stories I heard.”
Zoë checked the console in front of her with initial enthusiasm. If Tubs could be proved wrong now, then maybe they could get on with their job. But her shoulders sagged as the system found nothing.
“All computers over there appear to be offline. We can’t confirm anything about it, including its name.”
“There must be somewhere we can just read it off her hull?” offered Dezza. Sometimes things could be solved by something as simple as looking out of the window.
She thought for a moment, brightening up. “Most 'liners I’ve seen in dock have it on the prow. We’re heading that way so we can take a peek.”
“If that name is there, we go?” pleaded Tubs.
She saw in his eyes that he was serious, and laughed. “You’re really scared of an old myth?”
He looked hurt.
“Every story gets another leg in the telling of the Chinese whisper,” said Dezza with a smile as he glanced down to his console and studied the scrolling read out. They would be at the bows of the derelict in no more than a few minutes. Perhaps then that would appease Tubs’ fears.
Deep down he felt the nagging fear that Tubs was going to ruin it all.
3.

The last few metres of the prow were twisted and scorched. A meteorite had penetrated the navigation field some time in the past and struck a glancing blow. Any further back and it might have stood a chance of compromising the hull integrity. But here nothing more than minor deck fittings had been affected.
There was no trace of the ship's name. Where it had been, the plating was scorched and twisted, then dulled over with a fine layer of silver dust that had accumulated from space. Whatever had done the damage had happened a long time ago.
“No name,” said Zoë at last.
“I can see that,” said Tubs, “Though I don’t like it. We should go.”
She turned to him angrily. “And leave this whole thing floating in space? Not likely!”
As much as he wanted to reply, to run, he could not. Deep down he realised that beneath the primordial fear that he felt, she was right. Superstition was getting in the way of the biggest payday this crew had had in over five years of ploughing the shipping lanes and beyond. Right now all he was doing was driving a wedge between their professional relationship, and their friendship.
For a moment there was an uneasy silence in the Tug, then Zoë turned to Dezza and started outlining plans to dock with the Starliner and board her to check her out. With a falling heart he realised there was nothing he could do any more to influence them. He had been sidelined. His fears had cost him their respect, and he knew that it would be hard indeed to rebuild the trust that he had had.

* * * * *

The docking signal was the only computer activity of any sort they could detect on the Starliner. A carrier signal devoid of anything meaningful, once it would have relayed instructions between vessels for an approach to the airlocks. It was a band of static that at the very least would guide them to the docking point. Aside from that, there was nothing else it could give them.
The port was on the forward third of the Starliner. Beside a row of empty bays where lifepods had once been, a larger bay allowed the Tug to circle in and align itself to secure and dock. There were two airlocks to chose from; both seemed equally as easy to approach.
Zoë never had much faith for computer control, not least because all help from the Starliner was missing. They would be coming in blind and she figured that she might as well take control herself than let the Tug's on board computer systems make a hash of it. She had never trusted a machine to do a job a human could do equally as well, if not better.
With eyes glued to a bank of monitors and a hand resting on a small manoeuvring thruster joystick, she guided the craft into place as Dezza called out distance readings to her. For more than a few minutes it seemed like they were going nowhere, then the tug rocked and a metallic grating sound reverberated through the hull. For a moment they felt a series of bumps and bangs as the docking clamps engaged, then silence as the engines powered down.
Zoë relaxed and let go of the joystick. Massaging the cramp from her hands she let out a sigh and looked though the screen to the metallic bulk not more than a foot away.
“We’re in.”
Dezza nodded. He brought up data on his console and read it off. “Computers all off-line on every frequency. We’re going to have to pump up the airlocks manually and go through suited in case our readings on the atmosphere inside are off. We can check out the air with hand-held scanners once we’re inside.”
There were no prizes for the foolhardy. Without any access to internal systems, they could not be sure of exactly what they were going to find inside.

* * * * *

In the confines of the helmet, his breathing sounded dry and raspy from the air re-circulation system. Across the airlock in her cream suit, he could tell Zoë only by her slender figure, accentuated by the figure-hugging material. On her back was a pack that contained the workings of the suit, connected to the oversize helmet by a short flexible tube. It made her head look alien and huge. Catching sight of his own reflection in the mirror finish of her visor, he saw he looked equally misshapen.
“Seals show we're seated okay. Let’s pump this thing open.” Her voice echoed in his helmet, tinny and raspy from the tiny speaker in his ear.
He nodded and they both took up position either side of the airlock door.
“How’s it looking, Tubs?” she asked.
Tubs answered, from the safety of the bridge of the Tug. “All systems good. Getting back signals from both of you and your scanning equipment.”
It had been a compromise. He had not wanted to step foot inside the Starliner, so they had decided to leave him in the relative safety of a support role on the tug. It was not perfect but, under the circumstances, it seemed the best deal as Zoë had point blank refused to leave this salvage behind. In truth Dezza was inclined to agree with her, but there was always a nagging feeling of uncertainty that had been fostered by Tubs’ raw fear expressed in the story he had told.
Faced with the opportunity not to step foot in that vessel, Tubs had taken it.
“When the lights go to green, release the locks,” said Zoë.
Dezza nodded and turned to the panel. Three lights turned in sequence from red, to amber, then finally flickered to green. As the last one shone brightly he grasped hold of the white lever recessed into the panel and pulled. It slid easily to half way, and then he found he had to use a little more force on it. For a moment he thought it might not go, so he pushed harder. Just when he thought it was no use the lever slipped and thumped all the way to the bottom, catching him off guard.
Pain shot through his fingers. He yelped.
“What’s up?” asked Tubs, his voice thick with fear.
“I just caught my hand. Nothing more.”
He checked the glove of the suit. It was fine; nothing was torn. He might have a bruise on his hand come the morning. Despite the throbbing he smiled to himself. Had Tubs really been spooked by the ‘bogey man’ story?
“Give me a hand here if you’re okay,” said Zoë.
She was struggling with the release lever on the door. The Tug’s door opened okay. He thought he saw a puff of silver dust jet out briefly as air levels equalised. It was probably just debris from space that had collected on the plating.
It rolled back leaving them staring face to face for the first time with the grey steel of the Starliner. He put out his hand and rested it gently on the plating. It felt just like ordinary cold steel and he wondered what it was that made Tubs really so scared.
Zoë rapped her knuckles on the plate a couple of times. Through their helmets they heard the hollow echo reverberate back. She checked her scanner.
“There’s definitely some kind of atmosphere in there. However long this hulk has been floating out here hasn’t made it leak its guts.”
In a panel on the side they found controls for the Starliner’s airlock. The lid opened easily enough, but the controls inside seemed dead. He took out a small toolkit and checked the wiring with a meter. A dial flickered on its readout.
“There’s still some power but the computer control line is down. We’ll have to open by hand.”
They found the release mechanism and struggled with it. Unlike the well-maintained mechanism in the tug, this had been exposed to the vacuum of space for who knew how long. It was stiff and even when the locking bars finally slid out the door did not seem to want to move.
Dezza put his weight against it and heaved. Zoë added her weight too, but for a moment nothing happened. Then there was a grating and they felt something move.
“It’s coming!”
The door slid a little more, and a jet of dust and gas appeared from the edge accompanied by an eerie moan.
“What was that?” came Tubs’ alarmed voice.
“Just gas venting. Nothing to worry about,” Zoë soothed.
With a bit of work, the door slid back in stages, revealing a black hole beyond. They switched on their helmet lights and played them over the interior. The beams cut into a scene of dirt and decay. Whether Tubs was right or wrong, their hunch about the age of the vessel held at least some truth; this had been here untouched for a long time. Maybe that was why they had not received a call? This ship had been missing for decades at least, and in the vastness of space even the largest ship was easily lost into the infinite vacuum.
Dezza remembered to take out his scanner and get a reading. Zoë’s helmet lamp continued to stab through the gloom, picking out the dust-dulled passageway of the airlock level.
“Air is stale. High CO2 and some carbon monoxide too.”
There was an atmosphere, of sorts, but it was more than likely that the air re-circulation system had been offline for a long time. They were going to have to keep the suits on, for now.
“What now?” Zoë’s voice echoed in his helmet.
“We explore, obviously.”

Tuesday 11 May 2010

The aftermath as the dust settles from another general election.

We finally have a government in the UK! We live in interesting times. Setting aside all previous debate on electoral reform, I think this will be an opportunity for both parties in the coalition. For the Lib Dems, it is their first opportunity since the disasterous Lib-Lab pact in the 1970s (in which they seem to have been used and ignored) to show they can be mature in a position of power. I'm a Conservative at heart, but I think that to have the Lib Dems play a bigger role is important to make sure that no one party has a massive majority and steamrollers through legislation that is ill-conceved as Labour did in the 1990s with a huge majority.

Large majorities are bad for any party. Not because it harms their ability to get legislation through - quite the opposite - but because it leads to arrogance and rushing through of statutes that turn out to be bad for the country.

Will we see the Lib Dems as the second party at the next election? Lib Dem supporters might disagree, and badger for a Lib Dem government. Political change, however, doesn't come that quickly. More realistically if they can prove themselves when having a seat in power, they can use this as a springboard to become the official opposition in the next election, and then who knows? It is time for a change, just as in the 1920s the Labour party rose to be the second party in politics in the UK. When Kier Hardie founded the Labour party in the early years of the last century, it took them over twenty years to build up and come to power. Now it is the Lib Dems' chance to do something similar.

Putting party politics aside, I think no party should be in power for longer than three terms - it is damaging for politics, and damaging for the country. Even I recognised that the 1992 election was not in Britain's best interest with hindsight. However, Labour also proved that too much power corrupts too. With a three party system, maybe we can see a third option take a turn at the helm. Just so long as madcap ideas like PR don't get steamrollered through as a result (see previous posts for details).

I still think another general election is on the cards; if not this year then certainly next year. Coalitions don't go the full five years. It is time for consolodation, a bit of housekeeping and getting Britain finally onto an economic recovery, then a push for a majority government. Sorry folks - coalitions aren't the best form of longterm government despite what anyone might delude themselves into thinking at the moment.

Monday 10 May 2010

Packaging stupidity.

Seen on the side of a box of teabags, a picture of a cup of nice hot tea with the words underneath: "serving suggestion"

Well, thanks guys. I'd been wondering what I'd been doing wrong all these years, what with pouring scalding hot tea straight onto my groin.

How hard can a picture be to make?

You would not believe the work that goes into preparing the cover image for a book. It's just a simple image, right? Wrong! It's rather complicated, not least because the pictures that appear to look good on their own, suddenly look naff when put together in a composite. Then there is the added nark that upon printing with a Litho press, everything seems to get darker, so what looked really nice on the computer screen ends up drab and dull on paper.

Finally we seem to have managed to get a good cover together. It's only for the purposes of registering the ISBN - Neilson book data like to have a picture on the database of what the cover looks like, and it also helps with all the promotion and establishing a 'brand image' long before the book hits the shelves. Fingers crossed that all goes well.

It's coffee time people. Let's crunch some numbers.

I talked before about the stupidity of pushing for Proportional Representation. I standby those comments. Seen as electoral reform is on the cards (and no-one ever said it wasn't) I thought I would take this opportunity to postulate on a few things. Electoral reform in some degree is certainly needed; I said that before. There needs to be, at the very least, a system whereby Labour cannot poll third nationally yet get more seats. 13 years is a long time to fiddle election boundaries, and that certainly needs changing.

How to stop the boundaries being changed to just benefit a different party? Well, as outlined before, equal population figures for each constituency is a start. Doing this would certainly benefit the Liberal Democrats who are at a huge disadvantage thanks to meddling of constituency boundries. It would also, to a much lesser extent, help the Conservatives. The only losers would actually be Labour. Given a Con-Lib pact looks the most likely, this is certainly one thing that I would hope was on the table for electoral reform.

Britain's voting system is pretty archaic. Not FPTP; instead why do we still have paper ballots in this electronic age? Why can I check my emails easily from anywhere from Antarctica to Zaïre, yet cannot vote anywhere other than the church hall up the road from my house? Voting online opens too many options for fraud - a fraud which has raised its ugly head this time with the postal voting system being abused. However, if the voting at the pollint station was done electronically, that would speed up the vote counting, be more accurate (there is an issue when a recount can swing the votes back and forth over a margin of 100 or more - Bolton West was won with a majority of only 92). Also, then why can't I vote in any polling station, with my vote automatically being counted to my home constituency?

The postal vote has become totally abused. In parts of London around 50 (mostly Labour) activists were arrested for registering imaginary people or foreign nationals to vote. Elsewhere I've heard rumours of people's votes being stolen to be used via postal voting to give a person plural voting. This has got to stop. Why should a postal vote be so easy to get? Surely it should only be available to those who really do need it hand have no other option - armed forces personnel serving overseas, those in hospital or who are housebound because of illness or frailty. There should be an onus to proove that you do really need one to get one.

What of FPTP? It keeps out exrtremists and prevents them getting a disproportionate influence in government. One option that Zoë suggested to me earlier today was a sytem whereby a person votes for both their first and second preferences. They give two votes for their first preference and one for their second. The election is decided then not on single votes, but on this system of points. Coupled with equalising the population of constituencies, this could be something else on the cardfs? We have to be careful because - and I'll type this slowly for the benefit of the Lib-Dem clique who have been blindly demanding PR over everything else - most people did not vote for PR. We don't want it, because we've thought about the implications of it. We don't want perminant weak government and an easy route for Hitler Mk II to come to power. If we had wanted PR, we would have voted Lib-Dem and they would have been in poweer now. There is no mandate for PR, and the people baying for this nonsense should realise that it isn't on the cards and won't be until Lib-Dems win an overal majority.

So what's the likely outcome of the negotiations? Well, the Lib-Dems would be stupid to get into bed with Labour. That would merely associate them with the failures of the last Labour government. It would also not be enough, requiring a further coilition with most other minor parties. That would lead to failure, and another general election and more decreases in the Lib-Dem vote. Their only option is to form an alliance with the Conservatives. To all those who keep bleating about "Lib-Dems should never get into bed with the Conservatives" just who are you expecting them to work with? If they behave in such a way that no-one works with them, then the Tories - being 19 short of a majority, and historically able to work with the DUP (8 seats in NI) - will form a minority government and will work as such until such time as another general election can be called. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Thursday 6 May 2010

Election fever and misguided calls for PR.

I hear a lot these days about "A vote for Lib Dems is a vote for electoral reform". I have to say that the Lib Dems' desire for Porportional representation always annoys me. POR is a system that allowed too many undesireables into governemt in other countries (would you really want to guarentee BNP seats in government?).

Let's look at it sensibly. Any party that wants a particular type of electoral reform, usually wants it because the advantage to them are far more than to anyone else. Certainly the system within the UK at the moment is suspect to say the least. How is it that in theory Labour could still have more seats than any other party despite coming third with number of votes polled? That certainly smacks of reform being desperately needed. I saw that the Conservatives need something like 7% more votes just to theoretically get the same number of seats as Labour. For the Lib Dems the figures are far worse - no wonder they keep talking about electoral reform.

PR isn't the answer; not by a long way. Talking about PR is a red herring. It let in Hitler, and it allowed decades of Mafia corruption in Italy. A fairer system would be to keep First Past the Post (which stops extremeists getting influence in government off a small share of the vote) but change the constituencies so that they all cover roughly the same population. That way this would remove the descrepency of Labour seeming to have an unfair advantage and Lib Dems being at a massive disadvantage. Constituencies in dense urban areas would become quite small, whilst those in the wilds of Scotland would be huge. However, it would be argued that as each MP represents the same number of people, they should have the same workload.

Low turnout is also an issue. I say to anyone who does not bother to vote when they are entitled to: Shut the hell up. Keep your whinging to yourself, because you had your chance to vote for what mattered to you, and you blew it. Even spoiling your ballot is making a statement more than being too lazy to turn up. I don't want to hear your jaw flapping about anything political between now and the next election; it's as simple as that.

Of course many people feel that MPs are all as bad as each other. With expenses scandals, cash for honours and an illegal war in Iraq based on lies and bullshit, who wouldn't feel agrieved. I've heard mutterings from time to time about compulsary voting. I really hate that idea if applied as-is to the present system. If all the candidates are equally as stoogey, why should I be forced to chose one of them? Far better to have a 'None of the above' box if voting is made mandatory. If you don't like any of the candidates, vote none of the above. And if none of the above wins, the election in that constituency in re-run with all original candidates who were beaten by none of the above being barred from standing during that parliamentary term.

There may be issues with none of the above repeatedly winning, so maybe a second round without none of the above running, but voting no longer mandatory? That would certainly throw a spanner in the works for career politicians thinking they had a safe seat. It's a good thought.

In summery, PR is evil. Those blindly shouting for it haven't thought the implications through. First past the post stops extremists, but it certainly needs overhaul to be more representative. The points I've outlined above would be a simple way to do just that.

Tuesday 4 May 2010

The place where submissions go to die.

I received a nice email today, harking back to when I was sending 'Bringing home the stars' to agents. It was around eight months ago, and as is inevitable some of the agents never got back to me, despite a prepaid envelope being enclosed. It's one of those things that writers just accept happens in the publishing world.

It seems that one of the agents whose address was on a list online just doesn't exist. I suppose it is the natural cycle of any business world that companies come and go, and agents are no exception. The email, however, enlightened what is happening with all those manuscripts that are being sent to one agent's address in London. It's a shame that so many struggling new writers are sending hopeful submissions, never to know that it never reached the recipiant, let alone got read and considered. Such is life. The email, because it was interesting to get closure for that one submission's fate:

Dear Jennifer

I have some rather strange news for you. Quite some time ago now you sent your manuscript Bringing Home the Stars to an agency called Walker Associates. Well, I'm afraid to tell you there is no Walker Associates. Their address is just a townhouse in Camden Town divided into flats. Soon after I moved in here I noticed these large envelopes accumulating in the communal hallway which, every so often, someone would throw out. I became intrigued and began 'rescuing' what proved to be literary manuscripts. I didn't want to just leave them as I'm a(n amateur) writer myself and I know about the mixture of hope and trepidation involved in sending off your work. Presumably Michael Walker was running an agency out of one of the flats, or purporting to, but I've been living here since the end of 2006 so he hasn't been here for at least three years. The word 'associates' was a misleading one at any event. I took the liberty of reading your submission - I thought you really succeeded in creating something suspenseful and dark. The thing now is that I'm soon to be married, so naturally I'll be moving out, and any new manuscripts that arrive will probably go unopened. Could I ask you to contact whoever gave you the address and let them know that Walker Associates is no longer operating?

Thank you, and with apologies,

Monday 3 May 2010

On the campaign trail.

Zoë is out on the campaign trail again tonight. It's amazing how many people I know are getting involved in politics - I have friends from at least four political parties.

We're in a marginal Labour held seat here. Zoë wants to go into politics, and has been helping diligently with the Conservative capaign for a long time now. She writes the constituency newsletter, does a lot of the mailing list stuff and helps out in any way she can. Tonight she is doing the unloved task of telephone canvassing.

With news of a bigot being uncovered standing for parliament for the Conservatives, it is saddening news. It really does bug me that these religious bigots think it is acceptable to stamp on minorities. If this had been known about sooner, that candidate would almost certainly have been deselected one hopes. It is not a Conservative exclusive nark - there are bigots in all the parties, unfortunately. I suppose it is everyone's job to expose the bigots so that people know what they are voting for. The Conservatives are certainly not anti-LGBT. There are quite a few LGBT people in this constituency alone actively working within the Conservative party.

Perhaps in five years time Zoë might be able to persuade the Conservatives to select her as a prospective candidate? She tried to be selected as an MP candidate, but the Conservatives were overwhelmed by applications. I've told her that she should push for standing as a councillor first, to gain experience. However, there are a lot of other people wanting to stand too. I guess it is a case of waiting in the queue.

Cover designing

We've just been playing around with some cover artwork for 'Bringing home the stars'.