Dear prat in shitty XR2 at traffic lights,
Your loud music does not sound at all big or clever for a number of important reasons. Firstly, your car stereo is shit. Secondly it is turned up way too high. This means the sound, and in particular the bass beats, are distorting. Badly. They sound like a damp fart. Leaving aside the rather pathetic attempts to mod your car (because there can never be too much glowey blue under a Ford Fiesta XR2), you just sound like you are driving the mobile broadcast unit for Dickhead FM.
Yours,
Local Resident.
Thursday 29 October 2009
The trials and tribulations of marketing in a publishing world.
Getting an agent is really hard these days, even if you do have a great product in the form of a completed manuscript. Firstly there is the question of how you are pitching it. It doesn't matter how great your book is, if the first page of the first chapter and the synopsis suck. That's where what you physically send the agent is very important. But then you are at the mercy of whether they actually read it.
I'm sure that almost every agent is, at the very least, just looking for an excuse to say "no". Let's face it, they must get sent hundreds of submissions every week. Most of them will, quite frankly, be hopeless dross. They will also most likely have full books too, meaning that they're making a nice little income already, so aren't massively desperate to sign up new authors unless they look like a printing press for making their own money wrapped up in a five pound note. Or something like that (my analogies have a habit of being worse than a Weasel in a cardboard shirt).
If they don't like your typeface, it's a reason to bin it. If your name doesn't enthuse them, they'll bin it. Same for the title. Hell, I'm guessing some agents just reject automatically everything that arrives in the post on a Tuesday, or even every odd number submission, given the number of rejections I've had for material that I know is very salable and very marketable. There must be a reason why the likes of Stephen King and Joanne Rowling got a lot of rejections on books that were subsequently published and made millions. It isn't that there's necessarily a conspiracy (though it isn't paranoia if they really are out to get you) just that the odds are well stacked. How easy would it be to be spotted in the crowd at a Beatles comeback tour, even if you were the world's sexiest person? It's those kind of odds.
Zoë tells me it's just like the odds in marketing. You might have to know on a hundred doors to get one sale, even if your product is the moon on a stick. With glitter and candy. So with agents, it pays to keep trying if you really honestly believe that the work you are trying to get a deal on is up to standard. On that basis, I'm waiting for another printer toner cartridge (yes, it's that sad sorry saga again) and have a list of another six or seven people to send out to, now the steady trickle of generic rejection slips are dribbling in. Sci-fi/horror is a difficult genre area to sell at the best of times, so that makes it even harder. Based on the arbitary way that some agents seem to reject submissions without reading them, I'm almost tempted to change my manuscript's title, tweak the synopsis and send it out all over again to the same list. Actually, I'm a little way off being desperate enough to do that. Yet.
I'm sure that almost every agent is, at the very least, just looking for an excuse to say "no". Let's face it, they must get sent hundreds of submissions every week. Most of them will, quite frankly, be hopeless dross. They will also most likely have full books too, meaning that they're making a nice little income already, so aren't massively desperate to sign up new authors unless they look like a printing press for making their own money wrapped up in a five pound note. Or something like that (my analogies have a habit of being worse than a Weasel in a cardboard shirt).
If they don't like your typeface, it's a reason to bin it. If your name doesn't enthuse them, they'll bin it. Same for the title. Hell, I'm guessing some agents just reject automatically everything that arrives in the post on a Tuesday, or even every odd number submission, given the number of rejections I've had for material that I know is very salable and very marketable. There must be a reason why the likes of Stephen King and Joanne Rowling got a lot of rejections on books that were subsequently published and made millions. It isn't that there's necessarily a conspiracy (though it isn't paranoia if they really are out to get you) just that the odds are well stacked. How easy would it be to be spotted in the crowd at a Beatles comeback tour, even if you were the world's sexiest person? It's those kind of odds.
Zoë tells me it's just like the odds in marketing. You might have to know on a hundred doors to get one sale, even if your product is the moon on a stick. With glitter and candy. So with agents, it pays to keep trying if you really honestly believe that the work you are trying to get a deal on is up to standard. On that basis, I'm waiting for another printer toner cartridge (yes, it's that sad sorry saga again) and have a list of another six or seven people to send out to, now the steady trickle of generic rejection slips are dribbling in. Sci-fi/horror is a difficult genre area to sell at the best of times, so that makes it even harder. Based on the arbitary way that some agents seem to reject submissions without reading them, I'm almost tempted to change my manuscript's title, tweak the synopsis and send it out all over again to the same list. Actually, I'm a little way off being desperate enough to do that. Yet.
Sunday 25 October 2009
Progress at last, of sorts.
After a mammoth evening/early hours of the morning session of heavy editing, I've reached the goal of page 100, or approximately one third of the way through 'Orb of Arawaan'. I'm happy that I have at least in a small way made up a little for the period that depression made it hard to keep to my work schedule.
Hopefully I'll get this second edition done within a timescale of weeks rather than months now. At least then I'll be a little happier that some of the mistakes and typos are dealt with, that it reads better and that - importantly - I'm familiar with the story again ready to contemplate writing the very overdue part two of the trilogy.
Bed time beckons, or at least the newest episode of 'House'....
Hopefully I'll get this second edition done within a timescale of weeks rather than months now. At least then I'll be a little happier that some of the mistakes and typos are dealt with, that it reads better and that - importantly - I'm familiar with the story again ready to contemplate writing the very overdue part two of the trilogy.
Bed time beckons, or at least the newest episode of 'House'....
Surprise - software that just works.
I've become annoyed over recent months with Firefox. I had installed version 3, and to be honest its stability and speed were becoming worse and worse. I had even installed Safari as a backup because of Firefox's tendency to crash on many sites.
This evening Firefox finally gave up the ghost. It crashed out, and even when trying to reboot it in safe mode, I was stuck with an annoying issue reporting tool that itself didn't work. One thing I desperately needed was the bookmarks file, otherwise I would have just gone straight over to Safari and never looked back. Except that Firefox keeps the damn things well hidden.
Reluctantly I went to Firefox's website and decided to try one last ditch effort: reinstall over itself and hope that the broken bits get fixed enough for it to work without trashing the bookmarks. Well, They're up to version 3.5.3 now, and I gave it a go. Imagine my surprise when a software install to fix something actually worked with no teeth gnashing, no hassle, and just worked. Well, it did. I'm back up and running with a browser which has retained all of my preferences and personal settings from before, but which actually runs quickly and without instability.
Result - for a change.
This evening Firefox finally gave up the ghost. It crashed out, and even when trying to reboot it in safe mode, I was stuck with an annoying issue reporting tool that itself didn't work. One thing I desperately needed was the bookmarks file, otherwise I would have just gone straight over to Safari and never looked back. Except that Firefox keeps the damn things well hidden.
Reluctantly I went to Firefox's website and decided to try one last ditch effort: reinstall over itself and hope that the broken bits get fixed enough for it to work without trashing the bookmarks. Well, They're up to version 3.5.3 now, and I gave it a go. Imagine my surprise when a software install to fix something actually worked with no teeth gnashing, no hassle, and just worked. Well, it did. I'm back up and running with a browser which has retained all of my preferences and personal settings from before, but which actually runs quickly and without instability.
Result - for a change.
My week and other animals.
I've had a bad time with depression over the last week or so. It happens, and eventually I do pull through. I've suffered bouts of depression for a very long time. When I get depressed I find my OCD gets a lot worse, so the house is reasonably neat, clean and tidy. I suppose that's a good side effect of my OCD.
I've been trying to force myself to do things to take my mind off the depression. When depression strikes, motivation can be extremely hard. I don't become suicidal these days, instead tending to curl up in bed and switch off for days on end. That is bad, and I realise that so I've been trying to find things for me to do. But that isn't always easy. The writing and editing that is supposed to be my work has slid a little bit. Over the last day I've managed a little bit of editing of a book (which is long over deadline now). I've written absolutely nothing new in around a month, which sucks for a writer. I find myself staring at a text document with my hands hovering over the keyboard, and that's where I'll stay until I give up and turn the computer off.
I've had just enough energy to occasionally read my emails, and even more occasionally read the odd blog post. Apart from that, my computers have been mostly turned off. I tried rekindling other activities, and have managed over a couple of days to spend time laying out an oval of model railway track and test running a lot of locomotives, some of which haven't run in five or six years. It passed some time, but it always felt like something was missing because of the depression.
I've also bought some marine plywood for finishing the renevation of the ASC that I was working on over the summer. Hopefully I can throw myself into doing that over this next week, and that might just cheer me up a little.
Still, I can feel I'm getting better. I've had tons of rejections back from agents for my book. There's still a few replies outstanding off submissions, but it seems that every agent is just turning around submissions unread in the main for whatever reasons (usually full lists is the explanation given). I find this deeply frustrating given the rave reviews the book gets from everyone who does read it. Unfortunately none of the people reading it are agents or publishers *shakes fist* I have a list of editors to send out to next, though I'm not being helped by printer issues. I think I will have to bite the bullet and get another toner cartridge to replace the one which managed barely 500 pages before it died. I shan't be buying from the same supplier again (and yes, I would have sent it back except that I tried to fix the problem - which technically I did - but the toner leaked out in the process)
.
I've been trying to force myself to do things to take my mind off the depression. When depression strikes, motivation can be extremely hard. I don't become suicidal these days, instead tending to curl up in bed and switch off for days on end. That is bad, and I realise that so I've been trying to find things for me to do. But that isn't always easy. The writing and editing that is supposed to be my work has slid a little bit. Over the last day I've managed a little bit of editing of a book (which is long over deadline now). I've written absolutely nothing new in around a month, which sucks for a writer. I find myself staring at a text document with my hands hovering over the keyboard, and that's where I'll stay until I give up and turn the computer off.
I've had just enough energy to occasionally read my emails, and even more occasionally read the odd blog post. Apart from that, my computers have been mostly turned off. I tried rekindling other activities, and have managed over a couple of days to spend time laying out an oval of model railway track and test running a lot of locomotives, some of which haven't run in five or six years. It passed some time, but it always felt like something was missing because of the depression.
I've also bought some marine plywood for finishing the renevation of the ASC that I was working on over the summer. Hopefully I can throw myself into doing that over this next week, and that might just cheer me up a little.
Still, I can feel I'm getting better. I've had tons of rejections back from agents for my book. There's still a few replies outstanding off submissions, but it seems that every agent is just turning around submissions unread in the main for whatever reasons (usually full lists is the explanation given). I find this deeply frustrating given the rave reviews the book gets from everyone who does read it. Unfortunately none of the people reading it are agents or publishers *shakes fist* I have a list of editors to send out to next, though I'm not being helped by printer issues. I think I will have to bite the bullet and get another toner cartridge to replace the one which managed barely 500 pages before it died. I shan't be buying from the same supplier again (and yes, I would have sent it back except that I tried to fix the problem - which technically I did - but the toner leaked out in the process)
.
Tuesday 20 October 2009
What I meant to add...
I almost forgot to mention that the portfolio section of the website has been updated. I've finally got around to uploading the last part of 'Long summer of war' which is rather large, but I felt I had left readers waiting too long so you deserved something special. It was my first attempt at a novella, and I think it turned out all right. I also uploaded the revised opening for 'Orb of Arawaan' to give an idea at how the editing is going. It's the first editing pass so far, and I've done around a quarter of the whole book. Hopefully it will be a huge improvement with the grammatical errors and typoes finally removed!
I also want to mention that 'The life of Nob T. Mouse' and 'All over the house' have been updated with new stories and can be found on their respective websites (if the links don't work on the RSS feed, go to http://www.jennifer-kirk.com/links.html and follow the links there). They're really special and are leading into this year's big story arc.
I also want to mention that 'The life of Nob T. Mouse' and 'All over the house' have been updated with new stories and can be found on their respective websites (if the links don't work on the RSS feed, go to http://www.jennifer-kirk.com/links.html and follow the links there). They're really special and are leading into this year's big story arc.
What a nice guy.
I've just had an email from Colin Smythe - aka Terry Pratchett's agent. What a nice helpful man. He doesn't take on new clients because Terry keeps him so busy, but he did send me a list of agents he recomended as well as a list of editors at sci-fi/fantasy publishers who might be worth trying submitting to. Now, if only my damn printer would work.... I have another replacement toner cartridge on order, but the last one turned out to be a real lemon.
Monday 19 October 2009
A bestseller in waiting
'Bringing home the stars' has finally got a revised version up on Lulu. That's the version with the six months' worth of editing in it. It is, by far, the best thing I have ever written - in my opinion. Now, if only agents would take the time to look at it I'm sure that they would agree too and be snapping over themselves to option it. Everyone who has read it has loved it. The feedback I have received has been astounding. Hell, even my parents like it and that's saying a lot from the people who nit-picked their way through my previous six books (I got the impression they only read those because they felt obligated - this one they read because it drew them in and they wanted to keep reading to know more).
It has everything that a good accessible horror story should have. Whilst set in a sci-fi environment, that doesn't actually dominate the story, so people reading it have commented that whilst they wouldn't have normally read sci-fi, this attracted them and held their interest all the way through.
So, if any agents read as far as my blog, take a look at the book and read the first few chapters and you will not be disappointed. It is a new generation of sci-fi/horror that will be certain to be a bestseller with an almost certain movie deal off the back of it, just so long as some-one gives it its chance and offers to represent it.
It has everything that a good accessible horror story should have. Whilst set in a sci-fi environment, that doesn't actually dominate the story, so people reading it have commented that whilst they wouldn't have normally read sci-fi, this attracted them and held their interest all the way through.
So, if any agents read as far as my blog, take a look at the book and read the first few chapters and you will not be disappointed. It is a new generation of sci-fi/horror that will be certain to be a bestseller with an almost certain movie deal off the back of it, just so long as some-one gives it its chance and offers to represent it.
Wednesday 14 October 2009
That damn printer again. Oh, and busy on the writing development front.
Another two submissions sent off today. I've also started looking through one of my earlier sci-fi books because it has an LGBT theme, and I've got some information about a magazine that might be interested in such merging of themes and genres. I still have to finish the edit for the second edition of 'Orb of Arawaan'. I'm finding motivation hard (I dislike revisiting older works for any reason) but it's getting there. I'm fitting it in though around my work on promoting my current writing. The idea is that it would be nice to have several novels really nicely polished, just in case a big publishing deal comes sniffing!
Those who have been following the printer saga may be interested that I have a new image drum and toner cartridge on order courtesy of Ebay. They are alledgedly brand new OEM products, but for the price I feel suspicious that the seller will be likely to somehow renage on the contract. It's been several days since I paid for them with no contact from the seller, so I'll give it until after the weekend and send them a message. That's the problem with Ebay - you never quite know about the legitamacy of the items. I've had a few things turn out to be not quite the way they were advertised.
Those who have been following the printer saga may be interested that I have a new image drum and toner cartridge on order courtesy of Ebay. They are alledgedly brand new OEM products, but for the price I feel suspicious that the seller will be likely to somehow renage on the contract. It's been several days since I paid for them with no contact from the seller, so I'll give it until after the weekend and send them a message. That's the problem with Ebay - you never quite know about the legitamacy of the items. I've had a few things turn out to be not quite the way they were advertised.
Tuesday 13 October 2009
Progress is a dirty word unless buffed with polish.
I'm quite pleased that both The life of Nob T. Mouse and All over the house have started up again after an enforced break of a month because of Zoë's work. They're up online now, and hopefully they'll be regular again just as they were.
In other news, my printer toner cartridge has spluttered out again. I'm really disappointed as the cartridge is supposed to be good for 6,000 pages, yet instead has managed only 500 before a combination of mechanical issues and a toner leak have meant its all out at the equivelent of the princeley printing cost of 12p per page. Ouch. I've got a replacement on order, and I now at least know to look out for old cartridges which have been refilled one too many times so as to avoid them like the plague.
Two rejections arrived in the post today. That's not too bad, but it takes the total number of rejections up to five. Of those, one was patronising, one doodled their reply on MY cover letter (please, at least use your form reject letter), one said it wasn't the sort of thing they represented but that it was good and I should keep sending to other agents, and one politely said they weren't looking to take on new clients. Fair enough.
In other news, my printer toner cartridge has spluttered out again. I'm really disappointed as the cartridge is supposed to be good for 6,000 pages, yet instead has managed only 500 before a combination of mechanical issues and a toner leak have meant its all out at the equivelent of the princeley printing cost of 12p per page. Ouch. I've got a replacement on order, and I now at least know to look out for old cartridges which have been refilled one too many times so as to avoid them like the plague.
Two rejections arrived in the post today. That's not too bad, but it takes the total number of rejections up to five. Of those, one was patronising, one doodled their reply on MY cover letter (please, at least use your form reject letter), one said it wasn't the sort of thing they represented but that it was good and I should keep sending to other agents, and one politely said they weren't looking to take on new clients. Fair enough.
'Progress' is a dirty word unless buffed with polish.
I'm quite pleased that both The life of Nob T. Mouse and All over the house have started up again after an enforced break of a month because of Zoë's work. They're up online now, and hopefully they'll be regular again just as they were.
In other news, my printer toner cartridge has spluttered out again. I'm really disappointed as the cartridge is supposed to be good for 6,000 pages, yet instead has managed only 500 before a combination of mechanical issues and a toner leak have meant its all out at the equivelent of the princeley printing cost of 12p per page. Ouch. I've got a replacement on order, and I now at least know to look out for old cartridges which have been refilled one too many times so as to avoid them like the plague.
Two rejections arrived in the post today. That's not too bad, but it takes the total number of rejections up to five. Of those, one was patronising, one doodled their reply on MY cover letter (please, at least use your form reject letter), one said it wasn't the sort of thing they represented but that it was good and I should keep sending to other agents, and one politely said they weren't looking to take on new clients. Fair enough.
Thanks to an SAE, I have one hard copy that I can send out again, and I have some agents to approach who will accept email submissions (the modern technological age is upon us! Run for your lives!). Also, I'm looking at submitting to a magazine for serialisation. It's American based, but it looks quite good. They seem to like LGBT themes for sci-fi, and I'm actually tempted to see whether they might be interested in one of my other sci-fi works that has an LGBT theme - there can't be that many writers combining LGBT issues with sci-fi, can there?
In other news, my printer toner cartridge has spluttered out again. I'm really disappointed as the cartridge is supposed to be good for 6,000 pages, yet instead has managed only 500 before a combination of mechanical issues and a toner leak have meant its all out at the equivelent of the princeley printing cost of 12p per page. Ouch. I've got a replacement on order, and I now at least know to look out for old cartridges which have been refilled one too many times so as to avoid them like the plague.
Two rejections arrived in the post today. That's not too bad, but it takes the total number of rejections up to five. Of those, one was patronising, one doodled their reply on MY cover letter (please, at least use your form reject letter), one said it wasn't the sort of thing they represented but that it was good and I should keep sending to other agents, and one politely said they weren't looking to take on new clients. Fair enough.
Thanks to an SAE, I have one hard copy that I can send out again, and I have some agents to approach who will accept email submissions (the modern technological age is upon us! Run for your lives!). Also, I'm looking at submitting to a magazine for serialisation. It's American based, but it looks quite good. They seem to like LGBT themes for sci-fi, and I'm actually tempted to see whether they might be interested in one of my other sci-fi works that has an LGBT theme - there can't be that many writers combining LGBT issues with sci-fi, can there?
Wednesday 7 October 2009
Techno wizard - she sure plays mean netball!
Well, not quite (the last time I played netball I ended up with a scar on one of my knees that I still have). I've been fiddling with the printer, and in a surprise move it seems that it is the new toner cartridge causing the issues. Let me explain: it appears to be a refilled and remanufactured cartridge. (Here comes the science part) Unfortunately the bearings on its mechanical gubbins are, well, on the verge of being shot. That means the extra resistance is juddering the toner roller and causing issues with the print quality. There isn't much I can do, though I've oiled every moving part I can find. It has helped but not solved the problem.
So there we are. It seems the only solution is to be more careful when buying replacement cartridges. Also, if I can get some Epson original cartridges off Ebay, that too would help. For the time being though, I am still stuck with questionable print quality at the very best.
So there we are. It seems the only solution is to be more careful when buying replacement cartridges. Also, if I can get some Epson original cartridges off Ebay, that too would help. For the time being though, I am still stuck with questionable print quality at the very best.
Technology is so helpful... if it works.
The printer woes are still plagueing me. I've cleaned the photoconductor unit to no avail. I've even taken a look at the image conveyer belt, and that seems fine. Actually, I've seen far more of tyhe inside of laser printers than I really ever wanted to.
I'm left wondering about the quality of the new toner cartridge. It was a cheap non OEM one, and whilst it managed 400 or so trouble free pages, it has to be seen as a little suspicious that so soon after replacing the original cartridge did printing anomolies arise. I'm trolling Ebay for replacements for both the toner and the photoconductor. Until I succeed in getting some spare parts for a small outlay, I have to regard my printer as annoyingly out of service. It picks its moments, so it does.
I'm left wondering about the quality of the new toner cartridge. It was a cheap non OEM one, and whilst it managed 400 or so trouble free pages, it has to be seen as a little suspicious that so soon after replacing the original cartridge did printing anomolies arise. I'm trolling Ebay for replacements for both the toner and the photoconductor. Until I succeed in getting some spare parts for a small outlay, I have to regard my printer as annoyingly out of service. It picks its moments, so it does.
Sunday 4 October 2009
Help me! Printer troubles.
I have an Epson EPL-5800L mono laser printer. A couple of weeks ago I replaced the toner because it had run out. All went fine for around 400 pages of printing, but now I'm getting lines of printed text looking washed out, as if for one line the toner didn't quite stick to the paper right. All the other lines on the page look fine, and it seems to happen quite a few lines of text appart - it never affects two adjacent lines. I've tried cleaning out the printer and the photo conductor unit to no avail. Sometimes the problem gets so bad that two out of every three printed pages are badly affected. Occasionaly a page comes out just fine as if there is no problem.
I'm at a loss, and don't know whether there is a problem with the new toner drum, or the photoconductor drum or even something else in the printer and I'm not prepared to do diagnosis by expensive trial and error opf replacing parts (laser printer parts like the photo conductor drum and toner cartridges are NOT cheap!). According to the printer's memory, the photo conductor drum is the original, and the toner cartridge I replaced was also the original. As the drum is good for 20,000 pages of printing, and each toner cartridge does around 6,000 pages then I should be well within the lifespan of the photo conductor.
Does anyone have any helpful suggestions of what the issue could be and how to easily fix it?
I'm at a loss, and don't know whether there is a problem with the new toner drum, or the photoconductor drum or even something else in the printer and I'm not prepared to do diagnosis by expensive trial and error opf replacing parts (laser printer parts like the photo conductor drum and toner cartridges are NOT cheap!). According to the printer's memory, the photo conductor drum is the original, and the toner cartridge I replaced was also the original. As the drum is good for 20,000 pages of printing, and each toner cartridge does around 6,000 pages then I should be well within the lifespan of the photo conductor.
Does anyone have any helpful suggestions of what the issue could be and how to easily fix it?
Thursday 1 October 2009
Toner, toner and n'er a drop to drink.
It's been a busy few days, despite being laid low by some mysterious illness that leaves me tired and full of fatigue. I've been getting more submissions off; I'm up to eighteen altogether now, and still have more to go. My trusty laser printer has been acting up a little. I suppose after some eighteen months of relative inactivity, suddenly being called upon to print hundreds of pages must be annoying. If it had a personality and could think, that is.
I've been getting odd lines of text looking faded. I've cleaned the optical unit with a can of compressed air (seriously - people do sell cans of nothing but compressed air. In some ways isn't that like selling sand to Egyptions?) and a lot of dust came out. Latterly this seems to have worked and the print quality has improved. However it is apparent that cheap-n-cheerful refil toner cartridges aren't as good quality as the super-duper overpriced Epson originals. Still, I never print graphics so I guess it will be okay.
Right, the printer has stopped chundering paper out so it's just envelopes to address and I'll post them all on the way to vote. Yes, I do vote - anything to get one useless bunch of career charlatons out to be replaced by another set of career charlatons. Gosh: aren't I a cynic?
I've been getting odd lines of text looking faded. I've cleaned the optical unit with a can of compressed air (seriously - people do sell cans of nothing but compressed air. In some ways isn't that like selling sand to Egyptions?) and a lot of dust came out. Latterly this seems to have worked and the print quality has improved. However it is apparent that cheap-n-cheerful refil toner cartridges aren't as good quality as the super-duper overpriced Epson originals. Still, I never print graphics so I guess it will be okay.
Right, the printer has stopped chundering paper out so it's just envelopes to address and I'll post them all on the way to vote. Yes, I do vote - anything to get one useless bunch of career charlatons out to be replaced by another set of career charlatons. Gosh: aren't I a cynic?
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