Why did the lazy idiot cross the road?

Walking to the pedestrian crossing, there was an idiot lolling against the light pole waiting for them to change. Except they never would, because she hadn't pressed the button. Hence she was an idiot. The traffic was really heavy, so I don't know what she thought would happen.

I do hate this sort of lazy person. So I reached around and pressed the button, announcing loudly "I do find that these things work a lot better if you actually press the button".

Lights then changed instantly and I crossed. Hearing slack-jaw responses from the idiot, I turned and replied "Say whatever you want, but the only reason you are crossing this road is because of me." Idiot had no reply to that.

Why do some people think that the traffic will part for them like the Red sea for Moses rather than pressing that really easy button?

Spam, Spam, horrible Spam

Most updates these days seem to be quite brief and go out via the Twitter account. But sometimes something needs a few more than 128 characters for justice to be done.

I cannot be the only person experiencing a huge spike in scamming spam and phishing texts and emails? It has gone from a low-level couple a week to around twenty a day, and for the first time these leaching scum are firing them off as text messages too. Clearly they are spamming every number combination possible via a computer, but it does beg one big question: There must be people falling for these obvious scams.

Call me harsh, but anyone who thinks that they have won a lottery they never entered is clearly a fool. I have no time for anyone actually falling for some of the more obvious scams. However the other favourites are spammers trying to cash in on ambulance chasing claims or loan insurance claims. I've lost count of the number of spam messages that claim that my "loan application has been approved" or that I could "claim back £2560 on [my] PPI policy" (I do not nor never have had one). It's getting really old really quickly.

There is an urge to fire back a "sod off you scummy scrotey bottom-feeder" message, but I know such things are futile. At best all they will do is confirm to these leaching scum that the number or email address is live, and will therefore only attract more of this worthless junk.

Accidentally famous. Sort of.

Well I'll be covered in eggs and flour and baked in the oven for twenty minutes! I went around to my sister's house for her birthday bash, and was presented with a copy of the Bolton Evening News newspaper. There with a large chunk of a page to itself was a lovely photograph of me stood between the Mayor and Mayoress of Bolton when I presented them with copies of my books for the town's main library. I'd almost forgotton about that as it happened a little while ago.

If that hadn't been spotted by some-one who knew me, I might never have known that I'd used up a little more of my allotted five minutes of fame. I've not found an online link to the story on the BEN website yet though. I'm sure some internet sleuth will find it and post it here before I manage it though.

Too much info!

I have finally succumbed and at the request (read: repeated requests) of my publisher, I have joined the world of Twitter. Believe me, I'm not proud!

Apparently my screen name or whatever it gets called on this internet contraption is: @JenniferKirk667

Don't ask where the 667 comes from - it's origin is lost in the mists of time. Suffice to say that it is not because 666 other people really wanted the 'JenniferKirk' tag before I got in, late on the scene as per usual.

Share the magic of Christmas again.

This year has brought home to me that Christmas no longer holds the magic that it once did. Without children, there is no focus to Christmas, and I have to be honest and say it sucks just a little. So spare just a little thought at this time of year for those people who don't have children, and maybe let some of your relatives in this position spend a little time with your children if you have children so that they can share a little in the real magic of Christmas again. 

This post made sense in my head. Honest.

Long summer of war - I hadn't forgotten.

The day job got unexpectedly cancelled today at short notice. Apparently they had too many people allotted for too few vehicles after the icy weather earlier this week managed to write off a vehicle and damage several others. I got caught up in all that, on the M6 between junction 44 and junction 45. However, I escaped without a scratch, thankfully. I was piloting my wacky 44 ton house of fun to Falkirk in frosty weather and it had been raining all the way through Cumbria, much to my surprise. Usually when conditions are freezing rain falls as snow, but on Monday it didn't. 

I knew something was up when the vehicles in front of me slowed unexpectedly and swerved. I too had to react quickly to miss the BMW that sat in lane one of the motorway facing sideways and surrounded by broken metal and glass. It had slid at speed along the barrier. In lane three a Nissan pick up came to grief as I watched, slewing sideways and disappearing in a haze of shattered glass and tyre smoke. There isn't much you can do when you are travelling at over 50mph on what turned out to be black ice, and as the rig began to crab, I resisted the urge to apply the brakes - you can't on ice, unless you want to get to the scene of your accident a whole lot quicker. Another couple of vehicles flashed by sideways having their own little accidents and I thought I was going to hit one, but didn't. When I came to a stop I was at an angle across lane one and the hard shoulder with a wrecked car a few yards in front facing the wrong way with its hazard lights on. The driver of that came to see if I was okay, and I was. In the distance a hundred yards back down the motorway there were vehicles strewn everywhere, and nothing else was coming past. 

It took him three attempts to light his cigarette as he was shaking so much. The tarmac was really slippery, but I carefully went around my rig with a torch checking for damage. Given the amount of broken car parts I had crunched over, I was amazed that none of the tyres (there were fourteen on my rig) had popped. Bidding the man with the cigarette the best of luck, I headed carefully on my way as flashing blue lights appeared in the distance. As I cleared junction 45 and headed on into Scotland on the M74 I was conscious that there were no vehicles following; I later learnt that the motorway had been shut and I was the last vehicle through. The lorry that had been following me from the same company about half a mile behind took two hours to get through, and met me at Falkirk as I was leaving for home. 

Somewhere else in the country another company driver wasn't so lucky and his rig was written off (he was okay) numerous other slippery accidents ensured that several other rigs were off the road for repairs. I was told afterwards that I should consider one of my nine lives to have been well and truly used up, as black ice at motorway speeds rarely leaves vehicles involved in a motorway pile up, especially a 44 ton truck, without even a scratch. I shall use my remaining eight wisely. 

So instead of being at work, I'm here at the computer. We went Christmas food shopping at 4am, and I was surprised partly that there were quite a few other people making use of the supermarket not being too full of last minute grocery shoppers, and partly that there weren't more people with such forethought, as it is only two shopping days to go to Christmas. Zoë went to bed when we got back, but I went to bed last night at 6pm ready for a day's work that isn't, so I'm up for the day. I haven't had much chance to do any writing over the last couple of months between working 60-70 hour weeks and doing book signings, so I thought I would use the surprise time well. I've been meaning to take another look at 'Long summer of war' for a long time. I edited it a while ago - over a year as it turns out - and I wanted to come back to it with a fresh set of eyes detached from its creative writing process. The book was actually written between the first two of the stars trilogy, so is of a similar writing style. I've read to page 23 so far, and needed to make only a couple of small changes, so I'm really happy that it's better than I remember. There's still a long way to go to do a full read through and edit, but a part of me is wondering whether this would be a better book to release in 2012 rather than reissuing 'Orb of Arawaan'. That would then give me a little extra time to reread Orb just to be sure it is polished. I'll have a speak with the publisher later in the day and see what they say; I've emailed them a copy of the manuscript too. I have a suspicion that they will whinge "We do sci-fi and fantasy books, and this one isn't". Still, don't ask - don't get. 

class 04 shunting

A little something from my work last week that took me to Cheddleton station at the Churnet Valley Railway.

A choice

I have been working so hard recently that I have hardly seen the inside of my own house for what feels like months. The fire burns brightly in the new wood-burning stove but the most I often see is the smoke rising from the chimney as I go past, busy working all the hours possible in the run up to Christmas.

Which is why I am so grateful to have the next few days to myself. I am thinking about the next novel but it is not certain what I will be writing. I have several ideas brewing, which is a nice position for a writer to be in, but at the same time it means I have to make a decision that I am not used to.

Do I write the second novel in the 'Orb of Arawaan' series? Do I complete the 'Stars' saga with 'Alone in the Stars'? Do I write one of the other science-fiction or horror stories I have been mulling over for the last year or so? Oh it's a lovely feeling to have so many options but my goodness, this is not a decision that can be taken lightly. Whichever I choose, I will be working on the story for months into the future. Will I like what I produce and want to continue with it? Will the story turn out to be a monster that I just cannot wrestle into something readable? Only time will tell.

In the mean time, here is another short visit to my train shed for you to enjoy. :)

A funny old saying

Christmas is coming and the geese are getting fat. That's the old saying, not a commentary on the current bird obesity epidemic that is sweeping the nation. Is there really a problem with geese getting fat? It's winter, shouldn't they be flying south to sunnier climates? I don't know.

In the run-up to Christmas, I have some time off from the hectic signing schedule. I'm thinking about how best to start the next novel but I've yet to put finger to keyboard and start tapping it out. When I do, you will all be the first to know how it is going. Well, you'll be first if you don't count Zoë, who I bounce ideas off every now and again. We use one-another as a sounding board. It's incredibly useful when you're writing to have someone you can do that with. Anyway, when I start writing, I will let you know how it is going.

Since there is no writing or signing news for the moment, I'll leave you with a look at my lovely hobby. Here's another visit to the train room. Enjoy!

Derby signing today

Today is the Derby Waterstones signing. I'm just about to set off.

Be there or be neither trianguler nor pentangular, but the thingy between them!

Ooops

Bad things to find in a mouthful of cornflakes number 34: your own filling.

Please treat me gently at tomorrow's signing in Derby Waterstones, as I have bad toothache now; especially whenever I eat anything hot or cold.

Jenny on trains - and on video!

For the last couple of months, I have been a busy, busy bee but that does not mean I have no time to spend on my hobbies. As you may already be aware, I am a massive model railway enthusiast with a particular interest in the 1970s and 1980s British Rail era.

For many years I spent my writing time surrounded by a small model railway because the sound of the trains running is very relaxing. I wanted to recreate that experience in my new home, so I have begun building a new, and somewhat more ambitious, model railway in my new office.

Zoë is helping me to chronicle my endeavours on my YouTube channel in the form of short videos about model railways and the building thereof. The first episode went live on 13 October and you can see it below.



In other news, I have spoken to my publisher and they have agreed to extend the November special offer on my books into December, so the time has never been better to pick up a copy of my latest novels. You can get both for just £10 direct from the All Mouse Media website.

Special Offer

My publisher, All Mouse Media, is currently running a special offer on my latest novels. You can buy Bringing Home the Stars and Twinkle Little Star together for just £10, with free postage. If you add the name to dedicate them to in the "special instructions", I'll even sign both books for you!

Just click below to order the books.

Signing in Manchester

The signing tour continues - it is unstoppable! Today I am signing books in the Manchester Arndale branch of Waterstones. It's a store I haven't been to before and I'm looking forward to it. I'll be there from 1-4pm today. If you're in the area, come and say hi!

Signing in Bolton

I'm signing Twinkle Little Star and Bringing Home The Stars today in the Bolton Branch of Waterstones. We just started and I'll be here until 4pm. Come on down and say hi!

Come hither, to the town hall!

On Tuesday, I met the Mayor and Mayoress of Bolton for tea and a chat. It was a fantastic experience and I am really honoured to have been invited. Zoe and I got a tour of the Town Hall, which was fantastic, and we chatted for over an hour about all kinds of things. As it turns out, the Mayor is an even bigger history buff than we are, so we had a long talk about the effects of the Battle of the Teutoburg Forest on European history.

Before we left, I presented the Mayor with signed copies of 'Bringing Home The Stars' and 'Twinkle Little Star', plus a copy of each for Bolton Library. Zoe then took a photograph for posterity.



Speaking of books, I am signing again this weekend. On Saturday, I will be at Bolton Waterstones from 10 am to 4pm, while on Sunday I am at the Arndale Centre branch of Waterstones from 1pm to 4pm. If you are in the area, I would love to see you there.

Today at the town hall

I spent lunchtime today with the Mayor and Mayoress of Bolton. I presented them with some signed copies of my books, and further copies for inclusion in the public library.

It was rather fun and they have some very nice chocolate biscuits! I also learnt the real reason why Bolton's crest has an Elephant with a castle on it.

Book signings - Bolton and Manchester

On Tuesday I have been invited to meet the Mayor of Bolton as a local author. I've met him as well as three previous Mayor's of Bolton, but never in the capacity of being a local author. It feels odd to be considered noteworthy enough to get such an invite!

Also don't forget that this coming weekend there are two book signings. Both are at branches of Waterstones. On Saturday I will be at Bolton Waterstones signing copies of my books. This has always been a good venue for me and I'm looking forward to making this my fourth visit to the store to do a signing. Sunday sees me at Manchester Arndale at the branch there. This is a new venue for me, though I've done the Manchester Deansgate and Trafford Centre branches before. Hopefully there will be a good turnout as Manchester busies up with Christmas shoppers. What better gift to get than a personalised signed copy of my newest book?

Reviews and feedback from those who have been reading 'Twinkle little star' are coming in now, and I am overwhelmed by the positive comments. It seems that despite the fact that I have to admit I didn't enjoy the writing process as much as for the previous book, the end result is blowing people away! Momentum is building and it is exciting though a little scary at the same time. Hopefully I can make the third (and final - promise!) 'Stars' book better still. Though don't hold your breath, as I haven't started writing it yet. I have, however, written another book which is still in the editing stages with no planned release date as yet.

An open letter to bad drivers

Dear prick in the car on the M55 last night,

If you don't want the truck driver from 'Duel' on your rear bumper with their headlights on main beam, then why not try letting them overtake you instead of speeding up when they pull out then slowing down when they pull back in. It got old fast after several aborted overtaking attempts.

As another suggestion, your personalised numberplate alluding to the size of your penis might be better representative of you if you chose to buy something like 'W4 NKR'. Just a suggestion.

After the event: Wigan

The book signing at Wigan Waterstones last Saturday went extremely well. I was a little worried beforehand travelling there on the train, but we got there without incident and called in at the shop to drop off some of our stuff before heading off for some breakfast. The train times were a little awkward and we had to get to Wigan an hour early as the next train would have left us five minutes late.

It's been a while since we were at Wigan Waterstones last, though it was a very good venue for me on the 'Bringing home the stars' tour. It didn't disappoint this time either, and I was soon signing books once set up at the table by the door. There was another author in doing signings for a children's book, and we got chance to have a chat. The other author quizzed me about signings (this was her third signing for her first book) and it felt odd to be considered an old hand; though perhaps I am now.

Strangely BHTS seemed the more popular book. This was because a lot of people chose to read that book first, as they wanted to "read them in order" though I was keen to stress that neither book requires readers to read the other, such are the largely self-contained nature of their plots. Still, hopefully a lot of people will be back to buy 'Twinkle little star' after enjoying BHTS. Strangely I only found one person who picked up a copy of both there and then. However sales were very good, and we even went through a few of the extra copies that we took along just in case!

The next signings will be Bolton Watersones on the 19th of this month, and Manchester Arndale on the 20th - see you there! I shall also be doing some promotion work on Tuesday the 15th and have been invited to Bolton town hall to meet the Mayor of Bolton. It's all excitement!